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The Morning Pages - Day 3

Werner Herzog is not interested in happiness. He does not run after being happy. He hopes to give meaning to his existence through his work.

Ocean Vuong is not interested in fame. He is interested in learning and understanding, and doing right. From this point, I just bounced to another tab and looked for his book. His prose always tabs me in the heart, in a good way.

I consume too much, and create too little. I read and watch and think of other people's work. But refrain from doing mine, fearing failure, fearing falling short. Let's change that.

It is gray today. There is no sunlight. Everything looks still on a grey day. And I like it. I like stillness, I think. Motions dazzle and confuse me and throw me in anxiety. I liked the winter in England, how awful that felt on the skin. But it looked calm.

I must go down the river, I think. Sitting in the room, writing about the boat people in the Mekong does not feel too right. It feels self-centered. For I know I should not rightly create fiction from their lives, claiming I understand them well. What do I know? I should go down there for a month. Stay on a boat. Just sit and watch and listen. And write. I must. Don't lose heart. When Covid situation gets easier, let's go. You and I. Do not be scared. We've got each other.

Let's read, and write. Let's watch, and write, and create.

I have not much to write you, darling. I know that I have a lot to feel, to digest emotionally inside. But I cannot reach in at the moment. The brain is in lethargy under a thin layer of fog. It may be the wines I drink every night now. Two glasses on a standard night. Another glass or a beer if I've not fallen by ten. I have to not let myself think about it, otherwise it leads back to claustrophobia.

Let's count the good things - to get a grip of ourselves:

- Dang is good. Dang is food to the mind, and food to the heart.

- Lep is good. Lep, like Dang though more distant at times, is the kind of friend who grounds one, with laughter, with sincerity, with the will to stick to integrity, and generousness.

- M is good. M is home.

- Mathilde wrote me this morning. Mathilde is in love. She is a wonderful soul. How blessed I am to still have her in my life.

- My study is good. I need to build on it. This is my nook in the world. Read, write, think, live - more interestingly than the life I physically live.

The other day I thought: what if I had only two years left to live? Should I be changing the way I am living now if I knew?

What if my mother had only two years left to live, considering that's more possible?

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